I was on a Sunday outing last fall with a couple who had just started dating each other. Susan and Jake were riding in the front seat and I was in the back as we headed upstate to see the changing leaves. After we had been on the thruway for about an hour, Sue turned to Jake, who was driving, and asked, “Golly, would you like to stop for a coffee?”

“Nah,” Jake said. A little miffed, Susan turned around and looked at me. We just shrugged at each other.
A little while later, she tried again. “Gosh, Jake, do you think there might be a rest area coming up soon?”
“I’m not sure,” he answered.
Five miles later Jake whizzed by a rest stop with a big “Fresh Hot Coffee” sign out front. Susan turned around to me with wide eyes and that ”Can you believe this brute?” look on her face. She leaned back and crossed her arms. I could tell she was upset.

Poor Susan. I finally decided I should speak up. “Uh, Jake,” I said, “I think Susan wanted to stop for a cup of coffee.”
“Well, why didn’t she say so?” Jake asked, genuinely confused.
“But I did!” Susan grumbled.
“Gee, Sue, I must not have heard you.” I could tell that Jake was beginning to think his new girlfriend was a bit moody. “Sure,” he said. “We’ll stop at the next restaurant.”

Was Jake being insensitive? Not at all. He was merely taking Susan’s questions literally. Did he want coffee? No. Did he think a restaurant was nearby? He wasn’t sure.

Was Susan overreacting? Not at all. If Jake was ignoring her wishes as she thought he was, she had every right to be angry. But he wasn’t. He was just thinking like a man.

Susans and Jakes all over America are plummeting head-first into the communications gap on first dates. Many emerge rubbing their wounds and vowing not to go out with the other ever again.
When smart tourists go to Paris, they learn a little French to avoid being shunned by the Parisians.
When smart Hunters and Huntresses go out on dates, they learn a few opposite-sex phrases to avoid inadvertently turning off their Quarry.

DON’T HINT-SAY IT STRAIGHT
Huntresses, realize that your Quarry will take your questions literally. When you want something, say “I
want” or “I’d like to.” When you really mean I, avoid phrases like “Would you like to” or “Do you think we should . . .?”

Gentlemen, for you the reverse is true. For example, on a long drive with your Quarry, you’re dying to stop for lunch. Instead of just saying “I’m hungry” and making a sharp swerve into the next fast-food joint, ask her if she’d like something to eat. She’ll probably answer, “Would you?” After you say yes, ask her what kind of food she think, would be good. Let her answer. Then you can make a sharp swerve for the nearest grub.

PUT SOME SOFT CURVES IN YOUR CONVERSATION
Hunters, instead of telling her what the two of you are going to do, ask her opinion first. Also, when your
Quarry asks you a question, don’t take it literally. Read between the lines to see what she’s hinting at. When she asks, “Would you like to,” it probably means she would like to.

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Men, when trials and tribulations come tumbling down on a buddy, you’re accustomed to clamming up or punching your pal’s shoulder and saying, “Ah, it’ll all work out. Don’t worry about it.” However, if you give your female Quarry this brand of consolation, a flag goes up in her brain which waves, “Insensitive man. The brute doesn’t want me to bother him with my problems.”

Let her know you are there for her. Even if she grumbles, “No, I don’t want to talk about it,” persevere. Say, “Come on, I know you’ll feel better if you talk about it. I’d really like you to share your feelings with me.” Then the dam will burst. Be prepared to be drenched with whatever is bothering her, but never fear. All you have to do is close your mouth and listen.

Listen the way a woman listens, not like a man. To many men, listening means getting the wax out of their ears just long enough to gather sufficient data and then offering their solution. Women listen to each other knowing that they need to get whatever is bothering them out of their systems. Let your Quarry talk. As her stream of consciousness starts to slow to a trickle, you may probe and possibly offer gentle suggestions to show you are concerned about her problem. But do not feel you must solve her problem. Do not feel it is your responsibility. Do not feel as though she is blaming you. Simply listen.

TELL ME ABOUT IT
Hunters, when your Quarry is upset, beg her to tell you about it. Then listen—like a woman listens. It makes you a more loving man in your Quarry’s eyes. Huntresses, when your Quarry is angry, disturbed, or upset you have even less lines to learn than a man. In fact, don’t deliver any lines at all. Simply close your mouth. Respect his silence the way one of his buddies would. Men are not accustomed to sharing their feelings, so if you insist he talk about it, you’re asking him to twirl his hips in an exotic fandango that he never learned.

Incidentally, Huntresses, there is an added benefit to respecting his silence: You do not become associated with his distress. When the storm has blown over, you will be his refuge from the internal tempest he suffered, not part of it.

You can let him know you are supportive, sympathetic, and definitely there for him . . . in one sentence or less. Say, “Of course you’re upset and if you’d like to talk about it, I’m here for you.” Period. Then just go about your own business. Do not be hurt if he chooses not share it with you. In his terms, he is demonstrating his respect for you by not burdening you with his problem.

WHEN HE’S MAD, STAY MUTE
Huntresses, if your male Quarry is upset about something that has nothing to do with you, do not smoke him out of his foxhole. Do not make him feel guilty for not telling you about it. Let him know you’re there if he wants to share, but give him the freedom to burrow in his foxhole until he is ready to crawl out all by himself.

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“I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture, dance like a dervish.”
From the movie “Meet Joe Black”

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Just then an extremely attractive couple came bicycling in the opposite direction. They were both tanned fit, and sportive. I flagged them down and asked the couple how to get to Oceanview Drive. The woman started, “Oh, this is a beautiful path. You stay on it for, oh, I’d say, a quarter of a mile—well, maybe closer to a half. On the way you’ll see many beautiful trees, some of them overhanging the path. The colors are just starting to change. The path twists and turns a bit, but it’s smooth all the way. In a while, on the left, you’ll see a big white house. . . .”

Her male friend suddenly interrupted her. “Yeah, just follow this path and turn left at the end,” he said. “You’ll hit Oceanview.” As Phil and I rode off on our bicycles, I could hear sounds of the couple’s arguing fading in the distance. She was most likely telling him how rude he was to interrupt her, and he was probably accusing her of being irrelevant and too talkative.

As we pedaled along the beautiful path, I began wondering about what might have taken place if I’d been bicycling alone that day and run into the attractive man, also bicycling alone? How might the communication between us been different if he hadn’t been with his girlfriend? I would have asked the attractive stranger for directions just as I did. But then, I realized, if he’d given me a short answer, all I could have done would be say thanks and pedal off.

How much more I would have enjoyed having the attractive stranger tell me what a beautiful path was in store for me, how it twists and turns, and then give me details about the changing colors of the leaves the way his girlfriend had. That would have opened the door to further conversation with this attractive male.

When I came out of my reverie, I asked Phil his opinion. Suppose he had been bicycling alone and come upon the beautiful woman bicycling without her boyfriend. If he had asked her for directions, what would he have liked hearing? First of all, Phil said, a tad accusingly, “I wouldn’t have asked directions.”

“OK, OK, that I know,” I said. “But suppose you had to find your way and were reduced to that humiliation?”
“Well,” he said, “she would have turned me off with all that babbling. Ideally she would have just told me to follow the path.”
“Like her boyfriend did?” I asked.
“Well, yeah.”
I was merciless. I persisted, “Well, suppose she wanted to meet you and keep the conversation going. What should she have done?”
“Criminy, I don’t know!” But Phil could tell from my expression I was determined to find out.
“Well, maybe if she’d added a little veiled compliment, it would have turned the tide. It would change the encounter from impersonal to, well you know, personal.”
“What do you mean by a veiled compliment?”
“Well,” Phil mused, “she might say something like, ‘It’s a long ride . . . but you look like you’re up for it.’”
“Oh, come on!”
“No, really,” Phil said.

JUST THE FACTS, MA’AM
Huntresses, when stalking and talking with male Quarry, keep your explanations short. Shave down the details. If you want to extend the dialogue and switch into a more personal mode, try a little veiled compliment. Hunters, don’t try this. Getting off the objective and switching suddenly into a more personal mode can come across to a woman as being too forward. Instead, extend the conversation by giving more details.

Then, after you’ve been chatting for five or ten minutes, it’s perfectly logical to suggest a further activity together, like having a coffee.

PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE
Hunters, instead of worrying about how you can score with a great line when you meet a woman, simply flesh out whatever you are saying. Elaborate, and share interesting details. If she likes your looks, she will love hearing about how something looked, sounded, or seemed. Paint a pretty picture for her to enjoy.

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