Sometimes couples start out balanced, and inequity strikes after the marriage. If one of the partners, through no fault of his or her own, slips even a few notches, problems can arise. I have a friend Laura, a TV reporter, who was thrilled when she found the man of her dreams. He was a kind and intelligent gentleman who happened to be a big maker and shaker in international business. They married, and Laura was happy giving up her New York job and moving to California with him. About once a year, Laura visited me in New York. Every evening Bob would call. She always sounded so loving and deferential to him on the phone.
Two years ago, through a series of bad deals, Bob lost practically all his money. Laura still visits me (when they can afford the airfare). Bob still calls. But, sadly, I hear a different tone in her voice. Now she sounds snippy and domineering when she talks to him. Laura is starting to bemoan the great job she gave up when she married Bob, and she is now looking into TV opportunities in New York. She says transferring back would be no problem. I don’t place any bets on Laura and Bob being together same time next year.
I have another friend, Sally, whom I met in college. Everyone liked Sally because she was what we used to call the archetypical dizzy blonde. Sally was not impressively bright, but she was strikingly beautiful. She married a sportive and very accomplished man named Jim. Sally was blissful in her marriage until recently, when she gained a lot of weight. Sally complains, “I can’t understand it. Jim treats me so differently now. He’s not running around, but he’s moody. He doesn’t do as many chores around the house. He doesn’t talk to me anymore. Our sex life is sagging, and it’s as though he’s just not sensitive to my feelings.” This would not surprise proponents of the equity principle. They would say Jim is subconsciously restoring the balance.
Researchers analyzing their changing relationship would say, “When Sally and Jim got married, she brought physical beauty to the relationship. He brought a good nature. These are tangible assets. If her beauty wanes, so does the asset he brought to the table.” Jim is certainly not kicking Sally out. He still loves her, of course. Subconsciously Jim is simply balancing the score by letting down on some of his pleasing habits.
Inequity can also occur when one of the partners messes up. If one is caught in an extramarital affair, the other might go into a well of frosty silence and stay in that funk until the partner who messed up commits enough loving acts to make up for it. That can take years. Studies cite dramatic examples of one partner’s coming into a huge inheritance or, conversely losing his or her job or even being tragically disfigured in an accident. That destroys the balance of the relationship.
The subjects in these studies were not mean, heartless people who left their partners. They simply subconsciously evened the score in a myriad of small ways such as withholding expressions of affection, letting down on their physical appearance, or becoming reluctant to make self-sacrifices for their partner’s benefit. The superior partner might refuse to do chores, take a stronger stand on which parents to visit for the holidays, or suggest separate vacations. Small reactions lead to big misery in relationships that become unequal.
Hunters, Huntresses, if after all these warnings about how you don’t want to marry up, you’re still thinking, “Well, maybe finding a partner just a little higher on that vulgar inventory of assets would be OK,” come with me. You can’t really change your looks, your bank account, or your breeding to match the Quarry you want to bag, but you can change their opinion of your assets. Let’s start with the one that’s the toughest to manipulate. It’s number one on the love assets list: physical appearance.
